Sixty-two versus twenty-six, by Bisi Fayemi

I visited my mother recently, and for the first time, I was scared when I hugged her to say hello. She hadn’t been ill, but she seemed frail. I asked her if she had been eating okay and she said she was fine. I couldn’t help but worry, and I told her so. She smiled and said, ‘You know I am an old woman’. My mother is in her mid-eighties, so she is indeed ‘an old woman’.

I have been to several funerals this year. There have been the glorious celebrations of lives well spent, for those who have died as ‘old women’ or ‘old men’. Then the deeply painful passings of those who left too soon, but lived impactful lives all the same. When I was a lot younger, I never bothered with the passage of time. There is a kind of insulation you take for granted in your youth. Yes, people might pass away around you, but you are young, so it can’t ever be your turn. As the years go by, and older people around you, as well as your peers, start transitioning in what seems to be a steady stream, you do have to start taking stock. You can’t help but say to yourself, ‘I am getting old’.

When I was an undergraduate at University of Ife (Obafemi Awolowo University) in the 1980s, I went to the market in town one day. I was waiting for a bus when I felt someone grab my backside. You can imagine my fury. With my blood boiling, and my left hand raised to strike the culprit, I swirled around to deliver a slap to whoever the miscreant was. My hand never landed on the target, it froze mid-air. These days, I wonder why the word ‘literally’ has taken over the vocabulary of Gen Z English speakers. They say ‘literally’ in every sentence, as if they cannot speak English without using the word. Anyway, back to my frozen hand on the bustling roadside at Ile-Ife. I was staring at the back of a man who was ‘literally’ mad. A mad man had just grabbed me and walked away without a care in the world. My hand slowly dropped back to its place. The yell of outrage that would have accompanied my dirty slap became an exhale. What was I to do, chase after a mad man to do what? What if he beat me and stripped me naked on the streets, or worse? Afterall, there is no telling what a mad person can do. My outrage quickly turned to relief and gratitude. I believe that is one of the experiences I had as a young person that taught me that your life can change in seconds.

During my Youth Service year, (1984/85) I shared a building with other Youth Corpers and graduate teachers. One day, some of the teachers had a fight with a neighbour who was a few cents short of a dollar. The fellow stabbed one of the teachers with a sharp object. The teachers went to report the guy at the police station. They started their account with the words, ‘One mad man who lives in our compound……….’. The police listened to their complaint, and responded, ‘but you started your story by saying he is a mad man. What do you want us to do to him? You should be grateful he did not kill you’. This happened over forty years ago, the Nigerian Police have not become more helpful since that time.

As I reflected on these stories of ‘mad men’ over the years, it was a reminder that unexpected things happen to us as we go through life, even when we are minding our own business. They might be pleasant things or they might be nasty. We learn to pray, fast, meditate and seek comfort where and when we can. This does not stop life from happening, but at least we survive to fight another day. Whenever I am asked, ‘How do you manage success and challenges?’ I say, ‘Just like everyone else. I have a plan A, B, C and D. I pray and hope for the best. I look to people who genuinely support me. I surround myself with positive energy. I celebrate my wins and accept when things do not go my way. I focus on my strengths and place my weaknesses on a ‘to do’ list’.

If you go through life having real or imagined fights with ‘mad people’, without knowing the reasons why you are fighting, be sure that your own sanity is in question. We will have many fights – with family members, friends, neighbours, acquaintances, colleagues, and our communities. Sometimes, we even do battle with ourselves. We need to ask, what is more important, the battles we want to fight, or the path we have chosen for ourselves? If your fight benefits not only you but also others, it is a just one. If you are waging battles so you can cut others down for your own survival, then you are sadly, one of the ‘mad people’.
As I mark another year, I remind myself that I am sixty-two and not twenty-six. As a twenty-six-year-old, I was ready for adventure and had many dreams.

As a twenty-six-year-old, I was fearless and prepared for the world. As a twenty-six-year-old, I had a lot to learn. As a twenty-six-year-old, I was obsessed with being no more than a size 10-12. As a sixty-two-year-old, I have had adventures and seen many dreams come true. As a sixty-two-year-old, I have fought many battles and wear the scars with pride. I am still fearless, but without the naivety of a twenty-six-year-old. As a sixty-two-year-old, I am still adventurous and have many dreams. As a sixty-two-year-old, I have learnt a lot, I have taught many, and I still have more to learn. As a sixty-two-year-old, I don’t give a XXX about my dress size – I have figured out how to be hot regardless of what the tapes or scales say. As a sixty-two-year-old, I know I have an obligation to do whatever I can to support others. As a sixty-two-year-old, I have become scary enough for mad people to stay out of my way.

I am grateful. For life. For another year. For love. For friendship. For opportunities to serve. For victories. Yes, I worry that my mother is getting old and frail, but I am glad that she is in good health, great spirits, and receiving all the care and support she needs as she lives her old age in dignity. I pray she enjoys many more years in good health and continues to reap the fruits of her labour. My prayer for myself is God’s mercy and favour in all things.

–Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Policy Advocate, Leadership Coach and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at [email protected]