The 60 epidemic: A sudden outbreak! — by Emeka Oparah

Since January, not quite surprisingly, a lot of people have been turning 60-almost like onset of an epidemic!

I don’t get it, TBH.

The surprise really is that some of my otherwise useless friends, classmates and colleagues are getting themselves enmeshed in this desperate quest to attain senior citizenship, as if clocking 60 guarantees sainthood or freedom from hunger!

I’m quite glad none of these morofokos currently live in Abia state or plan to relocate there-and so they are effectively excluded from Gov. Alex Otti’s recently announced “package” for seniors. Ntooooor to y’all as no one is even sure 60s are included in the age bracket!

A longer ntooooooooooor to those claiming that Asiwaju’s package will best whatever the Abia short man, sorry strong man, has offered.

Hehehe…Asiwaju is busy trying to figure out how to avoid the barrage of curses and insults from enemies of his tough (but justified) economic policies plus bandits and terrorists, who want to turn him to a GEJ (God forbid!!!).

Very good. So, I know two close friends who will turn 60 next week-a whole five months ahead of me.

This is the annoying part: these fellows were not even officially human beings by the time my Dad scored his goal in March (nearly two months before marriage. Crook!). And now they expect me to call them Egbon or Dede. Hell no! Ain’t gonna happen.
We have all been through this life together with all its vicissitudes and we are going to remain age mates, whether they want it or not.

Speaking of which, I’d like to add here that most of my guys (ladies mask their real ages-with makeup, etc and hardly mention the count and so I’m not really discussing their matter here) all still look good for school at 60!

When you wake up every morning with your heart still beating, your hequipment standing, your hands not shaking and you know your way to the bathroom and you aren’t making frequent visits to the hospital, you’ve got to be thankful to the Great Architect of the Universe.

I mean, if you can still find the condom and wear it with no assistance, you have to be truly thankful and ever mindful of the circumstances of others due to no fault of theirs (touch wood).

So, to all my guys who have turned, are turning and will turn 60 this year, I wish you all the very best of your new age and a happy time on the 6th floor, which is still way beyond earshot from the much dreaded departure lounge.

Just one last thing: Please wait for me; I’m coming right behind you. November 29th is fast approaching, ladies and gentlemen.

One last-last thing: No go dey do pass yourself. If and whenever “election” comes, manage it, but if it doesn’t, manage it too-with wisdom. After all, 60, they say, is the age of wisdom aka emotional intelligence!

Happy birthday folks (we ought to know ourselves, oughtn’t we)!!!

–Oparah is Vice President Corporate Communications and CSR for Airtel Africa